Family reunion

It was about 8 pm on a beautiful August evening.  I was a transitional intern enjoying a slow but steady stream of work in the Emergency Department when a new patient arrived.  He was a young man in his early twenties.  He wore a baggy t-shirt about three sizes too large and his jeans were sagged so low it looked like he might trip over them at any moment.  His hair was buzz cut and he wore a look of defiance and contempt on his face.  He had a couple gold necklaces on long chains and a few tattoos were visible peeking out from his sleeves.  His only other accessory was a pair of handcuffs.

I watched as a nurse took the kid and his police escort to one of the patient beds.  I had just picked up a new patient and was currently working up the maximum number that an intern was allowed.  This patient didn't look like he'd be much fun to be around, anyway.  I was happy to let well enough alone.

Some patients are loud and belligerent.  That's doubly true if they were just arrested.  This kid was no exception.

"You got it wrong!  It wasn't me!  That old lady just attacked me!" he was saying to the police officers.  The officers were unimpressed.

I decided then and there that if an old lady ever beat me up, I would not go around announcing it.

This continued for some time, the patient protesting his arrest and the officers ignoring him.  Watching from a distance, anyone could see there was nothing seriously the matter with this patient.  But some of us were having trouble putting together what appeared to be a fascinating backstory, so one of the nurses eventually called an officer over to ask what exactly had transpired prior to their arrival.

Evidently, an "old lady" (she was actually about 50) was just leaving a local 7-Eleven when this young paragon of virtue (and manners!) accosted her.  He demanded her purse, at which point she complied and asked if he'd also like a ride home.

Just kidding.

She actually responded by taking her purse and bashing him in the face with it.  He wasn't expecting a fight and this stunned him, so the woman got a couple more hits in before running back inside the 7-Eleven.  Our fine young gentleman was angry about all this.  In his mind, he had committed no crime since his attempted robbery was unsuccessful; moreover, he'd been assaulted (!) and humiliated (!!) in a public place.  So he decided to telephone the police.

When the police arrived, they took in the situation and were able to identify the guilty party without trouble.  The "old lady" (well, the kid used a different word for her but I doubt he'd actually ask a dog for its purse) had stayed inside the 7-Eleven since her would-be mugger was still loitering outside, so she had no trouble identifying him.  Apparently, being placed under arrest came as quite a shock to this fine young man, and he attempted to delay his own trip to the precinct by claiming he needed to be treated for his assorted scrapes and bruises.

By the time the police officer finished telling us the story, a decent-sized crowd of nurses, techs, and doctors had gathered around him.  We were all either doubled over laughing or gaping aghast at the stupidity of this young patient.  Whatever our reaction, we all figured the story couldn't get much better.

How wrong we were.

About thirty minutes after the patient arrived, a nurse came back from the waiting room with a similarly dressed youth in tow.  For simplicity, I'll refer to the patient as "Biff" and the new arrival as "Skippy."

Skippy came over to Biff's bedside in a huff, wide-eyed and frothy-mouthed at seeing Biff handcuffed to the gurney.  Like Biff, he couldn't understand why the police chose to arrest an upstanding youth rather than a violent "old lady."

"I saw the whole thing!" he exclaimed.  "She just attacked my cousin!  We wasn't doin' nothin' and she beat his face with that big purse!"

Several of us who had been watching this trainwreck unfold started snickering.  We knew what was coming.

"Wait, you saw this whole thing happen?" asked one of the officers.

"Yeah!" Skippy replied.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

In short order, Skippy found himself handcuffed to a chair at Biff's bedside.  Apparently, the police don't like accomplices any more than they do perps.

Again, we thought we'd seen all there was to see.  Again, we were wrong.

Half an hour or so after Skippy's arrest, Biff Sr. arrived.  He wasn't quite as foul-mouthed as his son and nephew, but he was just as upset over seeing the two of them handcuffed next to each other.  He started to say so to one of the police officers but was cut short.

"Hey, I recognize you!" the officer announced.

Biff Sr. didn't like this and tried to avert his face while replying, "No, I don't think so."

The officer had a grin on his face.  "No, I know you!  Let me see your ID!"

Biff Sr. replied that he didn't have his wallet with him, but the officer called his bluff ("What's that chain going to in your back pocket, then?").  Then he tried to dodge by giving them his library card.  Undeterred, the officer clarified that he wanted a photo ID.  Biff Sr.'s reluctance to hand over his photo ID soon became clear: it turns out there were a couple outstanding warrants for his arrest.

And so it was that father, son, and nephew all got a chance to bond while riding together in the back of a police cruiser.  And we in the ED laughed heartily at their expense for weeks.

You can't make this stuff up, folks.